tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-75266061511448580592024-03-05T16:38:07.439-08:00Lucid dream diaryDiary for my dreams and researches...and something elseH.Klinthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12960375378016780775noreply@blogger.comBlogger40125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7526606151144858059.post-34390323522581177582016-08-17T01:26:00.004-07:002016-08-17T01:27:28.482-07:00<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>don't follow the path to misery |</b></span></div>
H.Klinthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12960375378016780775noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7526606151144858059.post-15326836194685715672016-08-16T05:19:00.001-07:002016-08-16T05:19:28.090-07:00Last entryHello.<br />
<br />
I know I haven't updated for weeks, but there is multiple reasons for it. And like said, this will be the last entry.<br />
<br />
I kept following doctor Övergöd's instructions and thanks to him (and <i>her</i>) I have been able to sleep normally again. When I do see dreams, they are black and white, eventless, boring dreams I can't control. I also got job, after getting my sleeping pattern normal and continuing job search.<br />
<br />
Remember how in Entry #35 I said how I would start looking at life in general from different angle, to make mine, how long it's gonna last anyway, as good as possible for myself?<br />
<br />
Now looking back at the few successful lucid dreams I had, I realized how much I could just appreciate the small things in this world to make my living more interesting. I could have walks in forests, glimp mountains, visit aquariums, beaches and amusement parks. Swim in the ocean, blow bubbles out of soapwater, pick some flowers and...<br />
<br />
I have this wishful thought that I could find who she was before she passed away and bring some flowers on her grave. One can always hope, right?<br />
<br />
So I guess this is it. Not sure how to end this, but if there is someone here online who takes my writings seriously and becomes curious; please, stay safe.<br />
<br />
Thank you for reading. Goodbye.H.Klinthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12960375378016780775noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7526606151144858059.post-4318183270895553222016-08-15T07:05:00.002-07:002016-08-15T07:05:28.050-07:00Thank you. I'm sorry.H.Klinthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12960375378016780775noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7526606151144858059.post-70100131218722724982016-08-14T07:02:00.000-07:002016-08-15T07:05:05.773-07:00Entry #37Hey. I'm alive.<br />
<br />
It's 6 am. Tears are blurring the view.<br />
<br />
But now I can say for real that it's over. For good. Even when...<br />
<br />
Sacrifice had to be made.<br />
<br />
I was in dark area with odd lightning. Only thing I could hear was this eerie ambience. I didn't make the place to be that way. It was just like that. I knew I was dreaming, but I couldn't control anything. Was I in hold? Out of control of my own lucid dream? It actually felt like being in front of the court, ready to get the final judgment.<br />
<br />
Suddenly she was there again, out of nowhere. Even the seriousness was still visible on her, she looked more worried and cautious.<br />
<br />
"Why you keep coming back?"<br />
<br />
Sadness, helplesness, bitterness in her voice. Like kind of anxiety when you know you failed to protect someone. I felt guilty and horrible. I was putting both of us in danger. But I needed to know. And she knew that.<br />
<br />
"I promise this will be my last time. I just... wanted to say I'm sorry."<br />
<br />
I saw bitterness on her again when she looked away from me.<br />
<br />
"Can I also ask something, please?"<br />
<br />
She looked back at me, sighted and tried to hide whatever feeling was taking over her.<br />
<br />
"...Okay. What is it?"<br />
<br />
"What happened to you? Did you break the rules too much?"<br />
<br />
Sorrow was now even more stronger on her. Her eyes gleamed. Again I was the one who opened the Pandora's box. This time it was more personal.<br />
<br />
"I was punished. I went too deep. And now, the only thing I want is to keep other mortals, visitors, safe so no one has to suffer the same fate I did."<br />
<br />
Now it was time I wanted to ask the question that nagged me.<br />
<br />
"I'm sorry to hear that. But who punished you?"<br />
<br />
On that same moment, the ambience turned into the screetching and grinding of whatever was holding dreams together. I could already smell rust. Someone was listening to us. And they didn't like the fact that I knew again more than I should.<br />
<br />
She stepped closer, fists white, distress in her voice.<br />
<br />
"You have to leave, now!"<br />
<br />
Noises grew louder, I started to feel pain on my chest, it started to get harder to breath. Then it hit me. They, or someone was ready to give me my ultimate, final punishment.<br />
<br />
I was barely able to speak to her anymore, we both knew that time was running out.<br />
<br />
"Will my punishment be fatal this time? Am I gonna... die...?"<br />
<br />
"I can still save you."<br />
<br />
What happened next I was not expecting and I still can't believe she did it for me. She grabbed the sides of her helmet and took it off.<br />
<br />
When she did that... she was a mess. Her head was unrecognizable as bear's head anymore. It was just mess of darkness and black, the material that sleep paralysis is made of, as a mark of her eternal punishment. Her eyes were still there and even they were wide, empty but same time full of tears that now dripped like a stars against the blackness.<br />
<br />
Time slowed down. For the last time in my dreams, I saw colors. The noises went almost completely quiet, I was able to breath again.<br />
<br />
She still cried as she said her last words.<br />
<br />
"Please...forget about me and don't make same mistakes I did."<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I'm awake. I'm alive. All thanks to her.H.Klinthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12960375378016780775noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7526606151144858059.post-4586823491609654952016-08-13T03:41:00.001-07:002016-08-13T03:43:14.170-07:00Entry #36I have made decision. And it goes like this;<br />
<br />
I will end my dream hobby and this whole research and investigation soon. I'm not the one to solve this lucid dream-sleep paralysis connection and to find the possible answer for the theory, neither is doctor Övergöd, Wanderer or anyone else. Nobody deserves the pain this mystery can and has caused.<br />
<br />
Although I will not terminate this blog, but neither will I leave any kind of contact info on here after I have made my last post/s. I want to leave this all behind for good.<br />
<br />
But also, possibly tonight, I will lucid dream for the last time.<br />
<br />
Why, you might ask. I need peace with myself. And part of it is to possibly get answer to one question and confirmation to another that keeps nagging me. But to get those answers I need to meet her. Also, I just want to apologize because all the trouble I caused.<br />
<br />
I'm not afraid of punishment anymore.<br />
<br />
If I don't update after this, you know where I am and what happened to me. Thanks and wish me luck.H.Klinthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12960375378016780775noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7526606151144858059.post-56086367193767561202016-08-12T03:38:00.000-07:002016-08-13T03:38:25.393-07:00Entry #35I know, this is getting out of hand. But what else I can do without being accused of being lunatic?<br />
<br />
But... They always say that if there is problem with anything, try to look at it from the other point of view, from other angle to come up with possible solution. So I have tried other way of thinking. Like I said in one of the latest entries there is a lot of questions we try to proof scientifically or even find answers for. But what if, just especially in my case (everyone else can keep digging all they want with their own risk, I wouldn't give two shits anymore), there wasen't answer to the question "what happens after we die".<br />
<br />
Yeah I know, sounds really anticlimatic and easy way out of this, but really. There is saying:<br />
<i>"For with much wisdom comes much sorrow".</i><br />
<br />
I would actually like the idea of being just unaware of surrounding world and all these questions and just live the life on its fullest and as happy as possible. We possibly live only once anyway. Note; possibly. And Earth is already a pretty crappy place, so why to make you yourself miserable when with little you could make yourself much happier.<br />
<br />
Even after doctor's tips I've been too scared to sleep long periods every night. But I'll keep trying to get my normal sleeping pattern back. Because I still want my old life back, no matter how boring it was.H.Klinthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12960375378016780775noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7526606151144858059.post-90106463598645460832016-08-11T03:31:00.000-07:002016-08-13T03:32:16.130-07:00Entry #34I started to search for people who have died in their sleep in the hope of finding someone matching Wanderer. Am I an idiot or something?! So many people have died in their sleep for various of reasons, what did you expect, you fucking idiot!<br />
<br />
Friends are starting to get concerned of my wellbeing after I have denied meetings for over two weeks. I just tell them that I'm busy programming something. Yeah right...H.Klinthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12960375378016780775noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7526606151144858059.post-13260626995632533812016-08-10T10:18:00.000-07:002016-08-12T10:33:18.386-07:00Entry #33If there is something out there that is worse than living like this or even getting punished for lucid dreaming, then I don't want to know what it is.<br />
<br />
This is hell.H.Klinthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12960375378016780775noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7526606151144858059.post-49785919722532119822016-08-09T10:10:00.000-07:002016-08-12T10:32:52.017-07:00Entry #32I'm so tired.H.Klinthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12960375378016780775noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7526606151144858059.post-31653952256598668462016-08-08T10:09:00.000-07:002016-08-12T10:32:38.615-07:00Entry #31Why we must sleep to function like normal fucking living beings? If we didn't need to sleep, all of this could be much easier.H.Klinthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12960375378016780775noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7526606151144858059.post-67283911999691491852016-08-07T10:07:00.000-07:002016-08-12T10:32:26.995-07:00Entry #30Yes, I did throw my dream diary away. I simply don't want to even remember my dreams, so they wouldn't even accidentally tricker the lucid dream and so for put me in possible danger of who knows what.<br />
<br />
And no, I can't explain the "illogical" or "questionable" elements of this theory of doctor Övergöd. But I sure to hell have a lot of questions myself.<br />
<br />
Does any of this have anything to do with any kind of religion, or is this completely out of all that? I'm not religious myself, so I can't even connect this to any religion I know of. Or does this go to the category of other possible and weird sounding afterlife theories?<br />
<br />
All lucid dream websites kept reminding of the fact that dreams ARE NOT traveling between different worlds and dimensions we don't know of. Dreams DO/SHOULD happen only inside our heads. All that dimension traveling stuff goes under the category of astral protection, not lucid dreaming. But does doctor Övergöd's theory go against that fact? But then again, if sleep paralysis is the punishment, who exactly gives the punishment? God? Some other higher being we don't know of? And why they punish? Why we shouldn't know about what happens in afterlife? Or does someone control our minds in sleep and awake? Are we really just puppets?<br />
<br />
There has to be more to this theory. There is just too many questions! And even this all might sound completely ridicilous, I can't help but to think that one or some of these things could be giving the hint of what's happening here.<br />
<br />
If happy colorful lucid dreams are afterlife (or Heaven), then was what I experienced on my last sleep paralysis Hell? Or does everyone have pleasant afterlife where they can do whatever they want no matter how they lived, and go neither to Heaven or Hell?<br />
<br />
He said that I'm one of the rare cases of someone who has reached this level of lucid dreaming and got punished because of it. But why me? What did I do differently? What did I do to deserve this? Why Wanderer came to me?<br />
<br />
Who is she anyway? Like more specifically. If she was once mortal like us, why she is not enjoying her own afterlife and what did she do when she was alive? Did she experience the same things me and Övergöd, and she started to dig into this as well?<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
My god. I bet she got punished too for peeking too much into afterlife. Did she die because of all that? Is that why she wanted to get me and doctor out from all of it? So we wouldn't meet the same fate as she did. Is she now punished to just travel in other people's dreams, without living her own afterlife in peace? Is that why she is called Wanderer?<br />
<br />
<br />
Did she die in her sleep?<br />
<br />
Is that why doctor is so tired? He's too scared to fall asleep, in the fear of dying because he knows too much.<br />
<br />
<br />
I try to follow his instructions. Now I'm honestly scared, not in the fear of experiencing that terrifying sleep paralysis again, but for the fear of that I might not wake up in the next morning.H.Klinthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12960375378016780775noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7526606151144858059.post-4307118451873156592016-08-06T05:23:00.000-07:002016-08-13T03:43:04.008-07:00Entry #29Drinking alone a lot of shit is never good idea, I should know that already. Why I never learn from my mistakes? Even <i>she</i> knew better what's good for me.<br />
<br />
Okay, sorry for typos and rambling, I still suffer of little hangover. So, the meeting with doctor Övergöd...<br />
<br />
I came to the cafe almost half hour early when I started to question my decision to meet this stranger that apparently had lost his mind. Of course I felt more safe in the public crowded coffee shop than anywhere else more private. I ordered a drink and waited. I even had my dream diary with me if I needed to recall some of my memories when telling him about my problem. I also had a small doubt if he could help either. Or I could even trust "insane doctor's bullcrap".<br />
<br />
But when he finally arrived, honestly, he looked more sane than people on internet made it sound like. He just seemed... tired. Like really tired. Wrinkled dress shirt and necktie, slightly stained classes and messy blond greyish hair and face that made him look like he hadn't got goodnight sleep for ages. Cloudy absence and dark circles under his eyes.<br />
<br />
We shook hands and introduced ourselves. He didn't order anything and was ready to hear about my problem. On this point I didn't care anymore wording myself too carefully and told everything, even how I felt of the whole situation I was in and how I started to strongly feel how these happenings are not only something that are going on inside my head.<br />
<br />
And those points are actually reasons why my mind got so blown I needed to drink it away last night.<br />
<br />
When I had finished my explaining he looked somewhat terrified, like he had bottled some sinister feelings inside for long time and finally someone brought them up again. It was like someone had opened some Pandora's box he wanted to keep closed forever. And that one who opened it happened to be me.<br />
<br />
He stayed calm, sighed heavily and started by saying how it was unfortunate that I was one of the rare lucid dream hobbyists who are going through what I was right now. He also stated that even he can't give me all answers, he could at least tell me something about his studies and results of them, or more of a theories.<br />
<br />
He told how he had suffered of sleep paralysis since he was child (around age of 7 he got his first lucid dream as well) and therefore he was always interested of mysteries of dreaming and what goes on inside our heads when we sleep and even... further than that.<br />
<br />
Also one notable thing; When he asked about the bearcentaur character, I ended up showing him the doodle I made of her. Doctor told that he had also met her. Multiple times. Her name is Wanderer and she was only someone who wanted to help, that she has told him so many forbidden things.<br />
<br />
Even he didn't tell too in detail what she has told him, it was clear to me that they were things that have made him "insane" in other people's eyes. Things that made him question how life works, made him lose his desire to sleep and feel afraid, paranoid, scared to fall asleep.<br />
<br />
Yeah, this is going exactly to the direction you think it is going. There is many questions we ask everyday and try to proof scientifically and find aswers for. How Earth was created? How we were created? Who or what created us? Is there God? Does ghosts exists? Does aliens exists? Does other dimensions and worlds exist and what's in them? What is the meaning of life?<br />
<b><i>What happens to us after we die?</i></b><br />
<br />
Doctor told me the theory he came up with after years of his dream studies, years of sleepless nights. Theory, that made me drink my brains out last night, made me throw my dream diary to the trash, made me question everything about life.<br />
<br />
"Lucid dreams are peeks to our own personal afterlife. That's why they're fun, positive and we can do whatever we want in them. Randomized dream characters, people we don't know in real life, are people who have already passed away. She is one of them. And sleep paralysis is punishment for peeking on something we shouldn't know about yet. Punishment for our curiosity."<br />
<br />
That's pretty much what he said. I was simply speechless and there was awkward silence. I felt sick. I thanked him for his time and just left before I could puke the icecoffee I just drank to floor.<br />
<br />
Afterwards I felt really stubid and sent him text message apologizing my rudeness for leaving so suddenly and asking what should I do to make my sleeping normal again. He only adviced to sleep few nights with alarm on between after every hour and just let dreams happen naturally. To avoid sleeping on back and making reality tests. He said that I still might have chance to sleep normally, unlike him.<br />
<br />
"Just don't question anything and act like you don't know more than you should. Stay safe." Those were the message's last words.<br />
<br />
It's 1 am right now and as I've been writing this I've been... overthinking everything. This post is already becoming long, so I'll write more tomorrow. I'm so exhausted, both physically and mentally.H.Klinthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12960375378016780775noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7526606151144858059.post-40207409512199699812016-08-05T09:05:00.000-07:002016-08-12T10:31:38.776-07:00Entry #28I know I should update about the meeting I had with that doctor today, but… I think I need booze right now more than anything else. Everything is just too much right now. I’m not sure if I can handle this all anymore.H.Klinthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12960375378016780775noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7526606151144858059.post-13282316337113331252016-08-05T01:30:00.000-07:002016-08-12T10:30:43.263-07:00Entry #27Just a quick recap of last two days findings and result before I have to rush to the city.<br />
<br />
So, I ended up sending doctor Övergöd text message. Of course I didn’t feel like calling total stranger who I didn’t knew much about. I simply wrote an message, where I asked if he could help me with small issue of mine. I wasn’t even expecting answer. The site was old looking and who knew if the phone numbers were outdated already.<br />
<br />
But yesterday morning for my surprise, I got response.<br />
<br />
I got simple, passive crude, message asking what was wrong and how he could help. I answered by telling simply, but without revealing too much and trying to sound as sane as possible that I was having problems with sleep paralysis that happens after every lucid dream. If the reason, why there even were rumors of him being insane, was the one I expected it to be, I thought he would get the hint from my message.<br />
<br />
His reply was…unpredictable. He asked if I wanted to meet him and where do I live.<br />
<br />
In this point, this would be a red flag. But honestly, I don’t care anymore. Also, if he is a doctor it’s like going to the doctor's appointment, right?<br />
<br />
It turned out that he doesn’t live far away from my hometown and could easily drive here. We arranged meeting in the local busy coffee shop today on 5.30 pm. So I have to start get ready.<br />
<br />
Not sure why, but more and more I get this feeling that this man is my last hope.H.Klinthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12960375378016780775noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7526606151144858059.post-51068957857692954642016-08-04T02:42:00.000-07:002016-08-12T10:29:59.914-07:00Entry #26Hello. It has been two weeks and even I'm still not in best shape right now, my apologizes for the last entries. That sleep paralysis really messed up with my head and even it still does terrify me out of my skin, I did get some more stable, dreamless, sleep last night and can think at least little bit more straight.<br />
<br />
Firstly; I haven't told my pals on the forum or pretty much anyone about this. Mostly because I don't want to pull anyone into this, I'm kind of a person who wants to fix their problems by themself. Also just for the sake of not to seem like lunatic in other people's eyes. Secondly; I've been doing research with the power of coffee and it hasn't got me far.<br />
<br />
And even I’m still not sure what this might be; my mind losing itself or something more beyond my mind, but I just decided not to give up now.<br />
<br />
I know some of you might be thinking: Why not go to see doctor or psychiatrist? For that, especially just walking to the health center and going to see doctor, doesn’t feel like the best option right now (mostly because I’m broke and wouldn’t have enough money to pay medical costs). Also, I have strong feeling that they would just say their typical “sorry can’t help you” and pat on shoulder. But I have one person on my possible contact list.<br />
<br />
When you search in internet long enough, you find some odd things and people. So I found out about this oneirologist.<br />
<br />
There is actually quite few rumors about him around the lucid and other dream hobbyists. Some even claimed that he has gone insane because of his studies, even there is not much info about his personal life. He had studied dreams pretty much his whole career and he has a background of medical doctor. There's not confirmed info of his current workplace, or does he even have own office for possible appointments. So basically he sounds like someone who should not be contacted in this situation, right?<br />
<br />
Well.. I found this pretty old health care website where I found his and other doctors and professors contact infos. There was even this generic group photo of smiling doctors and I recognized him as one of them from the lab coat’s name tag. There wasn’t any email addresses listed on the contact info, just a bunch of phone numbers. His name is Myra Övergöd.<br />
<br />
If my research doesn’t go anywhere, I’m honestly ready to contact him. Someone who is claimed to turn insane in past because of dreamstudies, seems like someone I need in this situation. Or maybe I’m just desperate.H.Klinthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12960375378016780775noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7526606151144858059.post-74547549204632842632016-08-03T01:53:00.000-07:002016-08-12T10:29:32.430-07:00Entry #25It's 4 am. My eyes hurt. My head hurts. I can't stop thinking about the things she said.<br />
<br />
<i>The things mortals shouldn't know about.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Punishment.</i><br />
<br />
What the hell did she meant with those? This just can't be only something going on in my head. I never believed in paranormal shit and dreams <b>should</b> be something that only happen inside our heads.<br />
<br />
Is my mind fucking with me? What does this all mean?<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Am I really going insane?<br />
<br />
I want my old life back.H.Klinthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12960375378016780775noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7526606151144858059.post-32549739588462622712016-08-02T03:33:00.003-07:002016-08-02T03:33:45.063-07:00Entry #24Maybe it's too early to say this or I'm being overdramatic, but I don't care right now:<br />
It feels like I'm going insane.<br />
<br />
I haven't slept for what feels like eternity. I get confused with days all the time. I just don't feel save anywhere. I feel paranoid due to my lack of sleep and I leave my apartment only to do grocery shopping simply because I'm so tired. I'm currently taking break from my job search, 'cause let's be honest, it's not going anywhere either. I don't want my friends to see me like this, they are busy anyway right now with their own things and I'm with mine. Yeah, busy losing my sanity.<br />
<br />
It's not like I can't sleep. I just simply don't want to fall asleep, in the fear of experiencing the last sleep paralysis all over again. Or even worse.<br />
<br />
And if you're wondering; yes, I'm doing research right now. Pretty much 24/7. I just want this nightmare to end. I'll keep updating if I do any kind of progress.H.Klinthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12960375378016780775noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7526606151144858059.post-21938888066784949682016-07-30T01:32:00.002-07:002016-07-30T01:32:53.447-07:00Entry #23I'm done.<br />
<br />
For now I'm so done. When I started this whole dream hobby, this is not what I signed up for. So yes, I finally was able to summon her, but what happened afterwards was the most terrifying thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life.<br />
<br />
In the dream, I was on the simple field. Sun was setting down and was painting the grass and hay with different shades of yellow and orange. I was focusing with all my might to summon her. I thought about brown bear, centaur, black scarf, blue suit, astronaut helmet... Just all the things that reminded me of her.<br />
<br />
Suddenly, she was there. As serious as always.<br />
<br />
"What do you know that I don't know?" I know, stupid first question to ask, but how else I should have worded myself. She first just snorted at me irreverently and grossed her arms.<br />
<br />
"Don't you dare look at me like that. It was your own fault you didn't listen to me."<br />
<br />
"But tell me why. Why do I get stuck on sleep paralysis every time I lucid dream? There must be reason for it, right?"<br />
<br />
I straight away broke the fourth wall of the dream world. Actually now when thinking about it, I don't know why I asked things that way. I was supposed to ask her what kind of meaning she meant inside my head, but something told me on that moment that that wouldn't give me answers either. That this was more right way to ask things.<br />
<br />
Her look stayed serious but at least the irreverent look on her faded off.<br />
<br />
"There is some things you mortals shouldn't know about yet. You're all too curious, and sooner or later it will bring you to your doom."<br />
<br />
Yeah, I know you might be wondering same things now. Now she talked in the way like she was alien or ghost or something. All of this made me...stand on my edge and cautious. It made me nervous and I ended up yelling even I knew I shouldn't have.<br />
<br />
"Stop talking cryptic bullshit! Just tell me why they keep happening!"<br />
<br />
Suddenly, new emotion added up to her all so serious look. It was... sadness. And I could tell it was not because I yelled at her, but because... She seemed like she felt sorry for me, or something similar. As she spoke her speech started to slow down and world around us started to fade to black and white and enviroment melt to darkness.<br />
<br />
"They are punishment for your curiosity. Just... don't come back anymore. I told you too much already..."<br />
<br />
<br />
God... my hands are shaking while writing this. I keep this now short simply 'cause I don't want to think about it. But I did wake up.<br />
<br />
Sleep paralysis. This time usual whispers were now... screaming. Yelling and screaming, like a mass murder was happening right there in my pitch black bedroom. Grinding of bloody rusty metal against metal, metal stabbing and ripping the flesh, screaming. And I swear I could smell blood, or metal, or both. And I couldn't breath. I couldn't breath because of this...abomination of black mess, white teeth and wide eyes sitting on my chest and staring down at me, pressing its sharp fingers against my throat. It only said one thing to me.<br />
<br />
"You still did it, didn't you?"<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
That's it. I can still taste fucking puke in my mouth. I need an break. I'm done.H.Klinthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12960375378016780775noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7526606151144858059.post-88155784423001383422016-07-28T01:15:00.000-07:002016-07-28T01:15:03.309-07:00Entry #22Dang, how come summoning one dream character can be so hard? Three nights of lucid dreams and sleep paralysis. Whenever I try to summon her, I get all kinds of bears, but not her. I'll keep trying but this is getting really tiring.H.Klinthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12960375378016780775noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7526606151144858059.post-20083851991112495452016-07-23T23:31:00.000-07:002016-07-23T23:31:39.098-07:00Entry #21Okay, first of all: I'm an idiot. I realized that I'm looking answers from wrong place. I didn't do, what all those instructions for lucid dreaming etc. did tell to do in situation like this. At least, not after my first sleep paralysis.<br />
<br />
When the bearcentaur appeared second time in my dream, I did ask her who she is, but I never got answer. But that might be the solution here! I should have looked answers for all these over two weeks from inside my head, not from internet and library books.<br />
<br />
So my plan for tonight; I will lucid dream, summon her and ask her who is she and what does she mean? Is she causing the odd happenings and if she is, why?<br />
<br />
Again, wish me luck.H.Klinthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12960375378016780775noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7526606151144858059.post-51708954872698721102016-07-21T00:36:00.000-07:002016-07-21T00:36:18.525-07:00Entry #20Now two weeks of sleep paralysis behind me, nearly every night, just because I'm such an stubborn bastard, I keep trying lucid dreaming again and again.<br />
<br />
I don't want to sound like whimp, comparing my paralysis to some other people's horrifying nearly horror-movie like scenarios with demons and other terrifying things, but these happenings really start to take on me and scare me.<br />
<br />
Even making research starts to feel... hopeless and useless. Maybe I should just focus on my job search for a while.H.Klinthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12960375378016780775noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7526606151144858059.post-61950770166542279552016-07-19T01:29:00.001-07:002016-07-19T01:30:00.417-07:00Entry #19Yeah, sorry for the last entry. It didn't really tell much. But guess what? More sleep paralysis. Now in total nearly one and half week of just paralyzed nights. One night I did make a test and let my dream go on normally, without lucid dreaming: no paralysis.<br />
<br />
I start to notice a pattern. Everytime I lucid dream, I don't remember the actual dream at all and I wake up to the sleep paralysis.<br />
<br />
And if someone was wondering; no, I didn't meet her in my lucid dreams this time. So... she does not cause them, at least that's how it seems like. Then what does?<br />
<br />
I have chatted about this problem of mine in the forum too, but nobody can tell what is really going on. Still only tips I get is not to sleep on my back. But when I do go to bed and before falling asleep, I swear, I'm always on my side or stomach. Maybe I always roll on my back when I lucid dream and therefore get sleep paralysis? I really can't recall if I did or not wake on my back when I did lucid dream normally, before all this sleep paralysis mess.<br />
<br />
To be honest, this all is tiring me up. But I would like to know what is causing this.H.Klinthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12960375378016780775noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7526606151144858059.post-25560881589119542932016-07-17T01:09:00.001-07:002016-07-17T01:10:07.698-07:00Entry #18Four nights. Four damn nights in the row of failed lucid dreams and sleep paralysis.<br />
That's all I got to say for now. I have meeting with friends to get my mind off this subject for now.<br />
<br />
This sucks.H.Klinthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12960375378016780775noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7526606151144858059.post-49466886102237001502016-07-13T01:27:00.000-07:002016-07-13T01:27:05.426-07:00Entry #17Okay... last night didn't go as planned. Yes, I did lucid dream, but can't recall much of a dream itself. It actually doesn't even matter right now.<br />
<br />
I got a sleep paralysis again. It was the same as last one; I couldn't move, darkness and whispers.<br />
<br />
"You shouldn't have done that."<br />
<br />
Done what? I don't understand.H.Klinthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12960375378016780775noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7526606151144858059.post-893127640222883132016-07-12T01:34:00.004-07:002016-07-12T01:36:17.274-07:00Entry #16While looking for the dream character/element and dream meanings in general I forgot to mention something for those who were maybe wondering. The next night after the first sleep paralysis and now these few latest nights I haven't lucid or even dreamed, at all. Or at least I don't remember seeing any dreams.<br />
<br />
So far the dream meaning research to explain the weird happenings and especially the meaning of the bearcentaur character has not done any progress to explain anything. All the dream guides etc. have told that repeating happenings and characters could be things our minds create to tell us something we're not thinking about when awake. Most likely this would be sensible explanation for the bearcentaur as well. Heck, even the things I wrote down on the previous post (did she cause sleep paralysis etc.) sounds now completely stubid. My dreams happen in my mind, of course the character can't be some overpowered being that does things on its own. It is my brain's and imagination's creation!<br />
<br />
But still, I haven't found possible explaining meaning for her, even most likely character with this kind of behavior, would be part of my brain trying to tell me to stop doing something. But the problem is when I connected all the dream meanings within my own personal feelings and such, I can't make the connection. What wrong am I doing exactly? I don't even drink too much alcohol or use any other kind of drugs, so it can't be anything like that either. What does she then want me to stop doing?<br />
<br />
Although, she said on both dreams something like "you should not be here".<br />
What does that mean? Be where? ...In the dream?<br />
<br />
I really don't know anymore. More and more I look into it, it makes less sense.<br />
I try to lucid dream tonight to see what happens. Wish me luck, I guess.H.Klinthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12960375378016780775noreply@blogger.com