Drinking alone a lot of shit is never good idea, I should know that already. Why I never learn from my mistakes? Even she knew better what's good for me.
Okay, sorry for typos and rambling, I still suffer of little hangover. So, the meeting with doctor Övergöd...
I came to the cafe almost half hour early when I started to question my decision to meet this stranger that apparently had lost his mind. Of course I felt more safe in the public crowded coffee shop than anywhere else more private. I ordered a drink and waited. I even had my dream diary with me if I needed to recall some of my memories when telling him about my problem. I also had a small doubt if he could help either. Or I could even trust "insane doctor's bullcrap".
But when he finally arrived, honestly, he looked more sane than people on internet made it sound like. He just seemed... tired. Like really tired. Wrinkled dress shirt and necktie, slightly stained classes and messy blond greyish hair and face that made him look like he hadn't got goodnight sleep for ages. Cloudy absence and dark circles under his eyes.
We shook hands and introduced ourselves. He didn't order anything and was ready to hear about my problem. On this point I didn't care anymore wording myself too carefully and told everything, even how I felt of the whole situation I was in and how I started to strongly feel how these happenings are not only something that are going on inside my head.
And those points are actually reasons why my mind got so blown I needed to drink it away last night.
When I had finished my explaining he looked somewhat terrified, like he had bottled some sinister feelings inside for long time and finally someone brought them up again. It was like someone had opened some Pandora's box he wanted to keep closed forever. And that one who opened it happened to be me.
He stayed calm, sighed heavily and started by saying how it was unfortunate that I was one of the rare lucid dream hobbyists who are going through what I was right now. He also stated that even he can't give me all answers, he could at least tell me something about his studies and results of them, or more of a theories.
He told how he had suffered of sleep paralysis since he was child (around age of 7 he got his first lucid dream as well) and therefore he was always interested of mysteries of dreaming and what goes on inside our heads when we sleep and even... further than that.
Also one notable thing; When he asked about the bearcentaur character, I ended up showing him the doodle I made of her. Doctor told that he had also met her. Multiple times. Her name is Wanderer and she was only someone who wanted to help, that she has told him so many forbidden things.
Even he didn't tell too in detail what she has told him, it was clear to me that they were things that have made him "insane" in other people's eyes. Things that made him question how life works, made him lose his desire to sleep and feel afraid, paranoid, scared to fall asleep.
Yeah, this is going exactly to the direction you think it is going. There is many questions we ask everyday and try to proof scientifically and find aswers for. How Earth was created? How we were created? Who or what created us? Is there God? Does ghosts exists? Does aliens exists? Does other dimensions and worlds exist and what's in them? What is the meaning of life?
What happens to us after we die?
Doctor told me the theory he came up with after years of his dream studies, years of sleepless nights. Theory, that made me drink my brains out last night, made me throw my dream diary to the trash, made me question everything about life.
"Lucid dreams are peeks to our own personal afterlife. That's why they're fun, positive and we can do whatever we want in them. Randomized dream characters, people we don't know in real life, are people who have already passed away. She is one of them. And sleep paralysis is punishment for peeking on something we shouldn't know about yet. Punishment for our curiosity."
That's pretty much what he said. I was simply speechless and there was awkward silence. I felt sick. I thanked him for his time and just left before I could puke the icecoffee I just drank to floor.
Afterwards I felt really stubid and sent him text message apologizing my rudeness for leaving so suddenly and asking what should I do to make my sleeping normal again. He only adviced to sleep few nights with alarm on between after every hour and just let dreams happen naturally. To avoid sleeping on back and making reality tests. He said that I still might have chance to sleep normally, unlike him.
"Just don't question anything and act like you don't know more than you should. Stay safe." Those were the message's last words.
It's 1 am right now and as I've been writing this I've been... overthinking everything. This post is already becoming long, so I'll write more tomorrow. I'm so exhausted, both physically and mentally.
Showing posts with label sleep paralysis. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sleep paralysis. Show all posts
Entry #23
I'm done.
For now I'm so done. When I started this whole dream hobby, this is not what I signed up for. So yes, I finally was able to summon her, but what happened afterwards was the most terrifying thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life.
In the dream, I was on the simple field. Sun was setting down and was painting the grass and hay with different shades of yellow and orange. I was focusing with all my might to summon her. I thought about brown bear, centaur, black scarf, blue suit, astronaut helmet... Just all the things that reminded me of her.
Suddenly, she was there. As serious as always.
"What do you know that I don't know?" I know, stupid first question to ask, but how else I should have worded myself. She first just snorted at me irreverently and grossed her arms.
"Don't you dare look at me like that. It was your own fault you didn't listen to me."
"But tell me why. Why do I get stuck on sleep paralysis every time I lucid dream? There must be reason for it, right?"
I straight away broke the fourth wall of the dream world. Actually now when thinking about it, I don't know why I asked things that way. I was supposed to ask her what kind of meaning she meant inside my head, but something told me on that moment that that wouldn't give me answers either. That this was more right way to ask things.
Her look stayed serious but at least the irreverent look on her faded off.
"There is some things you mortals shouldn't know about yet. You're all too curious, and sooner or later it will bring you to your doom."
Yeah, I know you might be wondering same things now. Now she talked in the way like she was alien or ghost or something. All of this made me...stand on my edge and cautious. It made me nervous and I ended up yelling even I knew I shouldn't have.
"Stop talking cryptic bullshit! Just tell me why they keep happening!"
Suddenly, new emotion added up to her all so serious look. It was... sadness. And I could tell it was not because I yelled at her, but because... She seemed like she felt sorry for me, or something similar. As she spoke her speech started to slow down and world around us started to fade to black and white and enviroment melt to darkness.
"They are punishment for your curiosity. Just... don't come back anymore. I told you too much already..."
God... my hands are shaking while writing this. I keep this now short simply 'cause I don't want to think about it. But I did wake up.
Sleep paralysis. This time usual whispers were now... screaming. Yelling and screaming, like a mass murder was happening right there in my pitch black bedroom. Grinding of bloody rusty metal against metal, metal stabbing and ripping the flesh, screaming. And I swear I could smell blood, or metal, or both. And I couldn't breath. I couldn't breath because of this...abomination of black mess, white teeth and wide eyes sitting on my chest and staring down at me, pressing its sharp fingers against my throat. It only said one thing to me.
"You still did it, didn't you?"
That's it. I can still taste fucking puke in my mouth. I need an break. I'm done.
For now I'm so done. When I started this whole dream hobby, this is not what I signed up for. So yes, I finally was able to summon her, but what happened afterwards was the most terrifying thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life.
In the dream, I was on the simple field. Sun was setting down and was painting the grass and hay with different shades of yellow and orange. I was focusing with all my might to summon her. I thought about brown bear, centaur, black scarf, blue suit, astronaut helmet... Just all the things that reminded me of her.
Suddenly, she was there. As serious as always.
"What do you know that I don't know?" I know, stupid first question to ask, but how else I should have worded myself. She first just snorted at me irreverently and grossed her arms.
"Don't you dare look at me like that. It was your own fault you didn't listen to me."
"But tell me why. Why do I get stuck on sleep paralysis every time I lucid dream? There must be reason for it, right?"
I straight away broke the fourth wall of the dream world. Actually now when thinking about it, I don't know why I asked things that way. I was supposed to ask her what kind of meaning she meant inside my head, but something told me on that moment that that wouldn't give me answers either. That this was more right way to ask things.
Her look stayed serious but at least the irreverent look on her faded off.
"There is some things you mortals shouldn't know about yet. You're all too curious, and sooner or later it will bring you to your doom."
Yeah, I know you might be wondering same things now. Now she talked in the way like she was alien or ghost or something. All of this made me...stand on my edge and cautious. It made me nervous and I ended up yelling even I knew I shouldn't have.
"Stop talking cryptic bullshit! Just tell me why they keep happening!"
Suddenly, new emotion added up to her all so serious look. It was... sadness. And I could tell it was not because I yelled at her, but because... She seemed like she felt sorry for me, or something similar. As she spoke her speech started to slow down and world around us started to fade to black and white and enviroment melt to darkness.
"They are punishment for your curiosity. Just... don't come back anymore. I told you too much already..."
God... my hands are shaking while writing this. I keep this now short simply 'cause I don't want to think about it. But I did wake up.
Sleep paralysis. This time usual whispers were now... screaming. Yelling and screaming, like a mass murder was happening right there in my pitch black bedroom. Grinding of bloody rusty metal against metal, metal stabbing and ripping the flesh, screaming. And I swear I could smell blood, or metal, or both. And I couldn't breath. I couldn't breath because of this...abomination of black mess, white teeth and wide eyes sitting on my chest and staring down at me, pressing its sharp fingers against my throat. It only said one thing to me.
"You still did it, didn't you?"
That's it. I can still taste fucking puke in my mouth. I need an break. I'm done.
Entry #20
Now two weeks of sleep paralysis behind me, nearly every night, just because I'm such an stubborn bastard, I keep trying lucid dreaming again and again.
I don't want to sound like whimp, comparing my paralysis to some other people's horrifying nearly horror-movie like scenarios with demons and other terrifying things, but these happenings really start to take on me and scare me.
Even making research starts to feel... hopeless and useless. Maybe I should just focus on my job search for a while.
I don't want to sound like whimp, comparing my paralysis to some other people's horrifying nearly horror-movie like scenarios with demons and other terrifying things, but these happenings really start to take on me and scare me.
Even making research starts to feel... hopeless and useless. Maybe I should just focus on my job search for a while.
Entry #19
Yeah, sorry for the last entry. It didn't really tell much. But guess what? More sleep paralysis. Now in total nearly one and half week of just paralyzed nights. One night I did make a test and let my dream go on normally, without lucid dreaming: no paralysis.
I start to notice a pattern. Everytime I lucid dream, I don't remember the actual dream at all and I wake up to the sleep paralysis.
And if someone was wondering; no, I didn't meet her in my lucid dreams this time. So... she does not cause them, at least that's how it seems like. Then what does?
I have chatted about this problem of mine in the forum too, but nobody can tell what is really going on. Still only tips I get is not to sleep on my back. But when I do go to bed and before falling asleep, I swear, I'm always on my side or stomach. Maybe I always roll on my back when I lucid dream and therefore get sleep paralysis? I really can't recall if I did or not wake on my back when I did lucid dream normally, before all this sleep paralysis mess.
To be honest, this all is tiring me up. But I would like to know what is causing this.
I start to notice a pattern. Everytime I lucid dream, I don't remember the actual dream at all and I wake up to the sleep paralysis.
And if someone was wondering; no, I didn't meet her in my lucid dreams this time. So... she does not cause them, at least that's how it seems like. Then what does?
I have chatted about this problem of mine in the forum too, but nobody can tell what is really going on. Still only tips I get is not to sleep on my back. But when I do go to bed and before falling asleep, I swear, I'm always on my side or stomach. Maybe I always roll on my back when I lucid dream and therefore get sleep paralysis? I really can't recall if I did or not wake on my back when I did lucid dream normally, before all this sleep paralysis mess.
To be honest, this all is tiring me up. But I would like to know what is causing this.
Entry #17
Okay... last night didn't go as planned. Yes, I did lucid dream, but can't recall much of a dream itself. It actually doesn't even matter right now.
I got a sleep paralysis again. It was the same as last one; I couldn't move, darkness and whispers.
"You shouldn't have done that."
Done what? I don't understand.
I got a sleep paralysis again. It was the same as last one; I couldn't move, darkness and whispers.
"You shouldn't have done that."
Done what? I don't understand.
Entry #16
While looking for the dream character/element and dream meanings in general I forgot to mention something for those who were maybe wondering. The next night after the first sleep paralysis and now these few latest nights I haven't lucid or even dreamed, at all. Or at least I don't remember seeing any dreams.
So far the dream meaning research to explain the weird happenings and especially the meaning of the bearcentaur character has not done any progress to explain anything. All the dream guides etc. have told that repeating happenings and characters could be things our minds create to tell us something we're not thinking about when awake. Most likely this would be sensible explanation for the bearcentaur as well. Heck, even the things I wrote down on the previous post (did she cause sleep paralysis etc.) sounds now completely stubid. My dreams happen in my mind, of course the character can't be some overpowered being that does things on its own. It is my brain's and imagination's creation!
But still, I haven't found possible explaining meaning for her, even most likely character with this kind of behavior, would be part of my brain trying to tell me to stop doing something. But the problem is when I connected all the dream meanings within my own personal feelings and such, I can't make the connection. What wrong am I doing exactly? I don't even drink too much alcohol or use any other kind of drugs, so it can't be anything like that either. What does she then want me to stop doing?
Although, she said on both dreams something like "you should not be here".
What does that mean? Be where? ...In the dream?
I really don't know anymore. More and more I look into it, it makes less sense.
I try to lucid dream tonight to see what happens. Wish me luck, I guess.
So far the dream meaning research to explain the weird happenings and especially the meaning of the bearcentaur character has not done any progress to explain anything. All the dream guides etc. have told that repeating happenings and characters could be things our minds create to tell us something we're not thinking about when awake. Most likely this would be sensible explanation for the bearcentaur as well. Heck, even the things I wrote down on the previous post (did she cause sleep paralysis etc.) sounds now completely stubid. My dreams happen in my mind, of course the character can't be some overpowered being that does things on its own. It is my brain's and imagination's creation!
But still, I haven't found possible explaining meaning for her, even most likely character with this kind of behavior, would be part of my brain trying to tell me to stop doing something. But the problem is when I connected all the dream meanings within my own personal feelings and such, I can't make the connection. What wrong am I doing exactly? I don't even drink too much alcohol or use any other kind of drugs, so it can't be anything like that either. What does she then want me to stop doing?
Although, she said on both dreams something like "you should not be here".
What does that mean? Be where? ...In the dream?
I really don't know anymore. More and more I look into it, it makes less sense.
I try to lucid dream tonight to see what happens. Wish me luck, I guess.
Entry #15
I have been reading some other people's sleep paralysis experiences and even ended up talking about the subject with my pals from forum.
Most of the forum members told that they indeed got their sleep paralysis after lucid dreaming, but also by reading other people's experiences I found out that they sometimes happen on random (or at least these dreamers don't remember lucid dreaming on the time when they got paralysed).
As on with the creepy hallucinations; some even believe that they are indeed a work of demons, mostly because of the paralysis' disturbing nature. Some tell that they see dark figures walking in their bedroom, standing on the edge of their bed and staring at them or even weight on their chest, like someone is sitting on them. Some hear unsettling noises. One girl even told that she heard this announcement voice repeat word "black" that became louder and louder until she woke up.
When looking back to my own paralysis; I didn't see any figures in my room, or I didn't even feel presence of anyone, but my room was really dark, even when I woke up the dawn was shining in. So that maybe counts as some kind of hallucination. As with the whispering voices... I still don't know what the phrase "you shouldn't have done that" is supposed to mean.
Only tip I got from my forum friends to prevent sleep paralysis to happen, is to avoid sleeping on my back.
On to the other subject: Within the "shouldn't done that"-phrase the thing that bothers me most is that bearcentaur-character. She appeared again and her behavior was the same. But this time she had different effect to my sleep. Did she wake me up from my first lucid dream? Did she cause the sleep paralysis? Can a dream character have such an effect on dreaming? Maybe I have to search for dream meanings. Maybe she is something my brain has created to...stop me from doing something? I really don't know.
Also, I should have shared this long time ago, but I did doodle the character down when I saw her first time. My apologizes for the terrible drawing, I'm obviously not an artist.
Most of the forum members told that they indeed got their sleep paralysis after lucid dreaming, but also by reading other people's experiences I found out that they sometimes happen on random (or at least these dreamers don't remember lucid dreaming on the time when they got paralysed).
As on with the creepy hallucinations; some even believe that they are indeed a work of demons, mostly because of the paralysis' disturbing nature. Some tell that they see dark figures walking in their bedroom, standing on the edge of their bed and staring at them or even weight on their chest, like someone is sitting on them. Some hear unsettling noises. One girl even told that she heard this announcement voice repeat word "black" that became louder and louder until she woke up.
When looking back to my own paralysis; I didn't see any figures in my room, or I didn't even feel presence of anyone, but my room was really dark, even when I woke up the dawn was shining in. So that maybe counts as some kind of hallucination. As with the whispering voices... I still don't know what the phrase "you shouldn't have done that" is supposed to mean.
Only tip I got from my forum friends to prevent sleep paralysis to happen, is to avoid sleeping on my back.
On to the other subject: Within the "shouldn't done that"-phrase the thing that bothers me most is that bearcentaur-character. She appeared again and her behavior was the same. But this time she had different effect to my sleep. Did she wake me up from my first lucid dream? Did she cause the sleep paralysis? Can a dream character have such an effect on dreaming? Maybe I have to search for dream meanings. Maybe she is something my brain has created to...stop me from doing something? I really don't know.
Also, I should have shared this long time ago, but I did doodle the character down when I saw her first time. My apologizes for the terrible drawing, I'm obviously not an artist.
Entry #14
Okay, after a day out and getting my mind off the subject for a while, I have made some research. It's 10 pm. and I'm getting tired so I'll keep this short.
So apparently, what I experienced in the morning is dream phenomenon called sleep paralysis. Sleep paralysis happens when part of our brains lock our body so we wouldn't move while sleeping and therefore hurt ourselves, but our mind is mostly awake. In this state only thing we can do is move our eyes and control the breathing (some people can control their tongues as well).
What is not or can't be explained is the hallucinations. Apparently some people see and hear even more messed up stuff than what I did.
Because, well... I do remember now what those whispers kept repeating at the end of my sleep paralysis.
"You shouldn't have done that."
Yeah, I don't know either what's that supposed to mean. I have to do more research when I have more time and energy.
So apparently, what I experienced in the morning is dream phenomenon called sleep paralysis. Sleep paralysis happens when part of our brains lock our body so we wouldn't move while sleeping and therefore hurt ourselves, but our mind is mostly awake. In this state only thing we can do is move our eyes and control the breathing (some people can control their tongues as well).
What is not or can't be explained is the hallucinations. Apparently some people see and hear even more messed up stuff than what I did.
Because, well... I do remember now what those whispers kept repeating at the end of my sleep paralysis.
"You shouldn't have done that."
Yeah, I don't know either what's that supposed to mean. I have to do more research when I have more time and energy.
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