Yes, I did throw my dream diary away. I simply don't want to even remember my dreams, so they wouldn't even accidentally tricker the lucid dream and so for put me in possible danger of who knows what.
And no, I can't explain the "illogical" or "questionable" elements of this theory of doctor Övergöd. But I sure to hell have a lot of questions myself.
Does any of this have anything to do with any kind of religion, or is this completely out of all that? I'm not religious myself, so I can't even connect this to any religion I know of. Or does this go to the category of other possible and weird sounding afterlife theories?
All lucid dream websites kept reminding of the fact that dreams ARE NOT traveling between different worlds and dimensions we don't know of. Dreams DO/SHOULD happen only inside our heads. All that dimension traveling stuff goes under the category of astral protection, not lucid dreaming. But does doctor Övergöd's theory go against that fact? But then again, if sleep paralysis is the punishment, who exactly gives the punishment? God? Some other higher being we don't know of? And why they punish? Why we shouldn't know about what happens in afterlife? Or does someone control our minds in sleep and awake? Are we really just puppets?
There has to be more to this theory. There is just too many questions! And even this all might sound completely ridicilous, I can't help but to think that one or some of these things could be giving the hint of what's happening here.
If happy colorful lucid dreams are afterlife (or Heaven), then was what I experienced on my last sleep paralysis Hell? Or does everyone have pleasant afterlife where they can do whatever they want no matter how they lived, and go neither to Heaven or Hell?
He said that I'm one of the rare cases of someone who has reached this level of lucid dreaming and got punished because of it. But why me? What did I do differently? What did I do to deserve this? Why Wanderer came to me?
Who is she anyway? Like more specifically. If she was once mortal like us, why she is not enjoying her own afterlife and what did she do when she was alive? Did she experience the same things me and Övergöd, and she started to dig into this as well?
My god. I bet she got punished too for peeking too much into afterlife. Did she die because of all that? Is that why she wanted to get me and doctor out from all of it? So we wouldn't meet the same fate as she did. Is she now punished to just travel in other people's dreams, without living her own afterlife in peace? Is that why she is called Wanderer?
Did she die in her sleep?
Is that why doctor is so tired? He's too scared to fall asleep, in the fear of dying because he knows too much.
I try to follow his instructions. Now I'm honestly scared, not in the fear of experiencing that terrifying sleep paralysis again, but for the fear of that I might not wake up in the next morning.
Entry #29
Drinking alone a lot of shit is never good idea, I should know that already. Why I never learn from my mistakes? Even she knew better what's good for me.
Okay, sorry for typos and rambling, I still suffer of little hangover. So, the meeting with doctor Övergöd...
I came to the cafe almost half hour early when I started to question my decision to meet this stranger that apparently had lost his mind. Of course I felt more safe in the public crowded coffee shop than anywhere else more private. I ordered a drink and waited. I even had my dream diary with me if I needed to recall some of my memories when telling him about my problem. I also had a small doubt if he could help either. Or I could even trust "insane doctor's bullcrap".
But when he finally arrived, honestly, he looked more sane than people on internet made it sound like. He just seemed... tired. Like really tired. Wrinkled dress shirt and necktie, slightly stained classes and messy blond greyish hair and face that made him look like he hadn't got goodnight sleep for ages. Cloudy absence and dark circles under his eyes.
We shook hands and introduced ourselves. He didn't order anything and was ready to hear about my problem. On this point I didn't care anymore wording myself too carefully and told everything, even how I felt of the whole situation I was in and how I started to strongly feel how these happenings are not only something that are going on inside my head.
And those points are actually reasons why my mind got so blown I needed to drink it away last night.
When I had finished my explaining he looked somewhat terrified, like he had bottled some sinister feelings inside for long time and finally someone brought them up again. It was like someone had opened some Pandora's box he wanted to keep closed forever. And that one who opened it happened to be me.
He stayed calm, sighed heavily and started by saying how it was unfortunate that I was one of the rare lucid dream hobbyists who are going through what I was right now. He also stated that even he can't give me all answers, he could at least tell me something about his studies and results of them, or more of a theories.
He told how he had suffered of sleep paralysis since he was child (around age of 7 he got his first lucid dream as well) and therefore he was always interested of mysteries of dreaming and what goes on inside our heads when we sleep and even... further than that.
Also one notable thing; When he asked about the bearcentaur character, I ended up showing him the doodle I made of her. Doctor told that he had also met her. Multiple times. Her name is Wanderer and she was only someone who wanted to help, that she has told him so many forbidden things.
Even he didn't tell too in detail what she has told him, it was clear to me that they were things that have made him "insane" in other people's eyes. Things that made him question how life works, made him lose his desire to sleep and feel afraid, paranoid, scared to fall asleep.
Yeah, this is going exactly to the direction you think it is going. There is many questions we ask everyday and try to proof scientifically and find aswers for. How Earth was created? How we were created? Who or what created us? Is there God? Does ghosts exists? Does aliens exists? Does other dimensions and worlds exist and what's in them? What is the meaning of life?
What happens to us after we die?
Doctor told me the theory he came up with after years of his dream studies, years of sleepless nights. Theory, that made me drink my brains out last night, made me throw my dream diary to the trash, made me question everything about life.
"Lucid dreams are peeks to our own personal afterlife. That's why they're fun, positive and we can do whatever we want in them. Randomized dream characters, people we don't know in real life, are people who have already passed away. She is one of them. And sleep paralysis is punishment for peeking on something we shouldn't know about yet. Punishment for our curiosity."
That's pretty much what he said. I was simply speechless and there was awkward silence. I felt sick. I thanked him for his time and just left before I could puke the icecoffee I just drank to floor.
Afterwards I felt really stubid and sent him text message apologizing my rudeness for leaving so suddenly and asking what should I do to make my sleeping normal again. He only adviced to sleep few nights with alarm on between after every hour and just let dreams happen naturally. To avoid sleeping on back and making reality tests. He said that I still might have chance to sleep normally, unlike him.
"Just don't question anything and act like you don't know more than you should. Stay safe." Those were the message's last words.
It's 1 am right now and as I've been writing this I've been... overthinking everything. This post is already becoming long, so I'll write more tomorrow. I'm so exhausted, both physically and mentally.
Okay, sorry for typos and rambling, I still suffer of little hangover. So, the meeting with doctor Övergöd...
I came to the cafe almost half hour early when I started to question my decision to meet this stranger that apparently had lost his mind. Of course I felt more safe in the public crowded coffee shop than anywhere else more private. I ordered a drink and waited. I even had my dream diary with me if I needed to recall some of my memories when telling him about my problem. I also had a small doubt if he could help either. Or I could even trust "insane doctor's bullcrap".
But when he finally arrived, honestly, he looked more sane than people on internet made it sound like. He just seemed... tired. Like really tired. Wrinkled dress shirt and necktie, slightly stained classes and messy blond greyish hair and face that made him look like he hadn't got goodnight sleep for ages. Cloudy absence and dark circles under his eyes.
We shook hands and introduced ourselves. He didn't order anything and was ready to hear about my problem. On this point I didn't care anymore wording myself too carefully and told everything, even how I felt of the whole situation I was in and how I started to strongly feel how these happenings are not only something that are going on inside my head.
And those points are actually reasons why my mind got so blown I needed to drink it away last night.
When I had finished my explaining he looked somewhat terrified, like he had bottled some sinister feelings inside for long time and finally someone brought them up again. It was like someone had opened some Pandora's box he wanted to keep closed forever. And that one who opened it happened to be me.
He stayed calm, sighed heavily and started by saying how it was unfortunate that I was one of the rare lucid dream hobbyists who are going through what I was right now. He also stated that even he can't give me all answers, he could at least tell me something about his studies and results of them, or more of a theories.
He told how he had suffered of sleep paralysis since he was child (around age of 7 he got his first lucid dream as well) and therefore he was always interested of mysteries of dreaming and what goes on inside our heads when we sleep and even... further than that.
Also one notable thing; When he asked about the bearcentaur character, I ended up showing him the doodle I made of her. Doctor told that he had also met her. Multiple times. Her name is Wanderer and she was only someone who wanted to help, that she has told him so many forbidden things.
Even he didn't tell too in detail what she has told him, it was clear to me that they were things that have made him "insane" in other people's eyes. Things that made him question how life works, made him lose his desire to sleep and feel afraid, paranoid, scared to fall asleep.
Yeah, this is going exactly to the direction you think it is going. There is many questions we ask everyday and try to proof scientifically and find aswers for. How Earth was created? How we were created? Who or what created us? Is there God? Does ghosts exists? Does aliens exists? Does other dimensions and worlds exist and what's in them? What is the meaning of life?
What happens to us after we die?
Doctor told me the theory he came up with after years of his dream studies, years of sleepless nights. Theory, that made me drink my brains out last night, made me throw my dream diary to the trash, made me question everything about life.
"Lucid dreams are peeks to our own personal afterlife. That's why they're fun, positive and we can do whatever we want in them. Randomized dream characters, people we don't know in real life, are people who have already passed away. She is one of them. And sleep paralysis is punishment for peeking on something we shouldn't know about yet. Punishment for our curiosity."
That's pretty much what he said. I was simply speechless and there was awkward silence. I felt sick. I thanked him for his time and just left before I could puke the icecoffee I just drank to floor.
Afterwards I felt really stubid and sent him text message apologizing my rudeness for leaving so suddenly and asking what should I do to make my sleeping normal again. He only adviced to sleep few nights with alarm on between after every hour and just let dreams happen naturally. To avoid sleeping on back and making reality tests. He said that I still might have chance to sleep normally, unlike him.
"Just don't question anything and act like you don't know more than you should. Stay safe." Those were the message's last words.
It's 1 am right now and as I've been writing this I've been... overthinking everything. This post is already becoming long, so I'll write more tomorrow. I'm so exhausted, both physically and mentally.
Entry #28
I know I should update about the meeting I had with that doctor today, but… I think I need booze right now more than anything else. Everything is just too much right now. I’m not sure if I can handle this all anymore.
Entry #27
Just a quick recap of last two days findings and result before I have to rush to the city.
So, I ended up sending doctor Övergöd text message. Of course I didn’t feel like calling total stranger who I didn’t knew much about. I simply wrote an message, where I asked if he could help me with small issue of mine. I wasn’t even expecting answer. The site was old looking and who knew if the phone numbers were outdated already.
But yesterday morning for my surprise, I got response.
I got simple, passive crude, message asking what was wrong and how he could help. I answered by telling simply, but without revealing too much and trying to sound as sane as possible that I was having problems with sleep paralysis that happens after every lucid dream. If the reason, why there even were rumors of him being insane, was the one I expected it to be, I thought he would get the hint from my message.
His reply was…unpredictable. He asked if I wanted to meet him and where do I live.
In this point, this would be a red flag. But honestly, I don’t care anymore. Also, if he is a doctor it’s like going to the doctor's appointment, right?
It turned out that he doesn’t live far away from my hometown and could easily drive here. We arranged meeting in the local busy coffee shop today on 5.30 pm. So I have to start get ready.
Not sure why, but more and more I get this feeling that this man is my last hope.
So, I ended up sending doctor Övergöd text message. Of course I didn’t feel like calling total stranger who I didn’t knew much about. I simply wrote an message, where I asked if he could help me with small issue of mine. I wasn’t even expecting answer. The site was old looking and who knew if the phone numbers were outdated already.
But yesterday morning for my surprise, I got response.
I got simple, passive crude, message asking what was wrong and how he could help. I answered by telling simply, but without revealing too much and trying to sound as sane as possible that I was having problems with sleep paralysis that happens after every lucid dream. If the reason, why there even were rumors of him being insane, was the one I expected it to be, I thought he would get the hint from my message.
His reply was…unpredictable. He asked if I wanted to meet him and where do I live.
In this point, this would be a red flag. But honestly, I don’t care anymore. Also, if he is a doctor it’s like going to the doctor's appointment, right?
It turned out that he doesn’t live far away from my hometown and could easily drive here. We arranged meeting in the local busy coffee shop today on 5.30 pm. So I have to start get ready.
Not sure why, but more and more I get this feeling that this man is my last hope.
Entry #26
Hello. It has been two weeks and even I'm still not in best shape right now, my apologizes for the last entries. That sleep paralysis really messed up with my head and even it still does terrify me out of my skin, I did get some more stable, dreamless, sleep last night and can think at least little bit more straight.
Firstly; I haven't told my pals on the forum or pretty much anyone about this. Mostly because I don't want to pull anyone into this, I'm kind of a person who wants to fix their problems by themself. Also just for the sake of not to seem like lunatic in other people's eyes. Secondly; I've been doing research with the power of coffee and it hasn't got me far.
And even I’m still not sure what this might be; my mind losing itself or something more beyond my mind, but I just decided not to give up now.
I know some of you might be thinking: Why not go to see doctor or psychiatrist? For that, especially just walking to the health center and going to see doctor, doesn’t feel like the best option right now (mostly because I’m broke and wouldn’t have enough money to pay medical costs). Also, I have strong feeling that they would just say their typical “sorry can’t help you” and pat on shoulder. But I have one person on my possible contact list.
When you search in internet long enough, you find some odd things and people. So I found out about this oneirologist.
There is actually quite few rumors about him around the lucid and other dream hobbyists. Some even claimed that he has gone insane because of his studies, even there is not much info about his personal life. He had studied dreams pretty much his whole career and he has a background of medical doctor. There's not confirmed info of his current workplace, or does he even have own office for possible appointments. So basically he sounds like someone who should not be contacted in this situation, right?
Well.. I found this pretty old health care website where I found his and other doctors and professors contact infos. There was even this generic group photo of smiling doctors and I recognized him as one of them from the lab coat’s name tag. There wasn’t any email addresses listed on the contact info, just a bunch of phone numbers. His name is Myra Övergöd.
If my research doesn’t go anywhere, I’m honestly ready to contact him. Someone who is claimed to turn insane in past because of dreamstudies, seems like someone I need in this situation. Or maybe I’m just desperate.
Firstly; I haven't told my pals on the forum or pretty much anyone about this. Mostly because I don't want to pull anyone into this, I'm kind of a person who wants to fix their problems by themself. Also just for the sake of not to seem like lunatic in other people's eyes. Secondly; I've been doing research with the power of coffee and it hasn't got me far.
And even I’m still not sure what this might be; my mind losing itself or something more beyond my mind, but I just decided not to give up now.
I know some of you might be thinking: Why not go to see doctor or psychiatrist? For that, especially just walking to the health center and going to see doctor, doesn’t feel like the best option right now (mostly because I’m broke and wouldn’t have enough money to pay medical costs). Also, I have strong feeling that they would just say their typical “sorry can’t help you” and pat on shoulder. But I have one person on my possible contact list.
When you search in internet long enough, you find some odd things and people. So I found out about this oneirologist.
There is actually quite few rumors about him around the lucid and other dream hobbyists. Some even claimed that he has gone insane because of his studies, even there is not much info about his personal life. He had studied dreams pretty much his whole career and he has a background of medical doctor. There's not confirmed info of his current workplace, or does he even have own office for possible appointments. So basically he sounds like someone who should not be contacted in this situation, right?
Well.. I found this pretty old health care website where I found his and other doctors and professors contact infos. There was even this generic group photo of smiling doctors and I recognized him as one of them from the lab coat’s name tag. There wasn’t any email addresses listed on the contact info, just a bunch of phone numbers. His name is Myra Övergöd.
If my research doesn’t go anywhere, I’m honestly ready to contact him. Someone who is claimed to turn insane in past because of dreamstudies, seems like someone I need in this situation. Or maybe I’m just desperate.
Entry #25
It's 4 am. My eyes hurt. My head hurts. I can't stop thinking about the things she said.
The things mortals shouldn't know about.
Punishment.
What the hell did she meant with those? This just can't be only something going on in my head. I never believed in paranormal shit and dreams should be something that only happen inside our heads.
Is my mind fucking with me? What does this all mean?
Am I really going insane?
I want my old life back.
The things mortals shouldn't know about.
Punishment.
What the hell did she meant with those? This just can't be only something going on in my head. I never believed in paranormal shit and dreams should be something that only happen inside our heads.
Is my mind fucking with me? What does this all mean?
Am I really going insane?
I want my old life back.
Entry #24
Maybe it's too early to say this or I'm being overdramatic, but I don't care right now:
It feels like I'm going insane.
I haven't slept for what feels like eternity. I get confused with days all the time. I just don't feel save anywhere. I feel paranoid due to my lack of sleep and I leave my apartment only to do grocery shopping simply because I'm so tired. I'm currently taking break from my job search, 'cause let's be honest, it's not going anywhere either. I don't want my friends to see me like this, they are busy anyway right now with their own things and I'm with mine. Yeah, busy losing my sanity.
It's not like I can't sleep. I just simply don't want to fall asleep, in the fear of experiencing the last sleep paralysis all over again. Or even worse.
And if you're wondering; yes, I'm doing research right now. Pretty much 24/7. I just want this nightmare to end. I'll keep updating if I do any kind of progress.
It feels like I'm going insane.
I haven't slept for what feels like eternity. I get confused with days all the time. I just don't feel save anywhere. I feel paranoid due to my lack of sleep and I leave my apartment only to do grocery shopping simply because I'm so tired. I'm currently taking break from my job search, 'cause let's be honest, it's not going anywhere either. I don't want my friends to see me like this, they are busy anyway right now with their own things and I'm with mine. Yeah, busy losing my sanity.
It's not like I can't sleep. I just simply don't want to fall asleep, in the fear of experiencing the last sleep paralysis all over again. Or even worse.
And if you're wondering; yes, I'm doing research right now. Pretty much 24/7. I just want this nightmare to end. I'll keep updating if I do any kind of progress.
Entry #23
I'm done.
For now I'm so done. When I started this whole dream hobby, this is not what I signed up for. So yes, I finally was able to summon her, but what happened afterwards was the most terrifying thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life.
In the dream, I was on the simple field. Sun was setting down and was painting the grass and hay with different shades of yellow and orange. I was focusing with all my might to summon her. I thought about brown bear, centaur, black scarf, blue suit, astronaut helmet... Just all the things that reminded me of her.
Suddenly, she was there. As serious as always.
"What do you know that I don't know?" I know, stupid first question to ask, but how else I should have worded myself. She first just snorted at me irreverently and grossed her arms.
"Don't you dare look at me like that. It was your own fault you didn't listen to me."
"But tell me why. Why do I get stuck on sleep paralysis every time I lucid dream? There must be reason for it, right?"
I straight away broke the fourth wall of the dream world. Actually now when thinking about it, I don't know why I asked things that way. I was supposed to ask her what kind of meaning she meant inside my head, but something told me on that moment that that wouldn't give me answers either. That this was more right way to ask things.
Her look stayed serious but at least the irreverent look on her faded off.
"There is some things you mortals shouldn't know about yet. You're all too curious, and sooner or later it will bring you to your doom."
Yeah, I know you might be wondering same things now. Now she talked in the way like she was alien or ghost or something. All of this made me...stand on my edge and cautious. It made me nervous and I ended up yelling even I knew I shouldn't have.
"Stop talking cryptic bullshit! Just tell me why they keep happening!"
Suddenly, new emotion added up to her all so serious look. It was... sadness. And I could tell it was not because I yelled at her, but because... She seemed like she felt sorry for me, or something similar. As she spoke her speech started to slow down and world around us started to fade to black and white and enviroment melt to darkness.
"They are punishment for your curiosity. Just... don't come back anymore. I told you too much already..."
God... my hands are shaking while writing this. I keep this now short simply 'cause I don't want to think about it. But I did wake up.
Sleep paralysis. This time usual whispers were now... screaming. Yelling and screaming, like a mass murder was happening right there in my pitch black bedroom. Grinding of bloody rusty metal against metal, metal stabbing and ripping the flesh, screaming. And I swear I could smell blood, or metal, or both. And I couldn't breath. I couldn't breath because of this...abomination of black mess, white teeth and wide eyes sitting on my chest and staring down at me, pressing its sharp fingers against my throat. It only said one thing to me.
"You still did it, didn't you?"
That's it. I can still taste fucking puke in my mouth. I need an break. I'm done.
For now I'm so done. When I started this whole dream hobby, this is not what I signed up for. So yes, I finally was able to summon her, but what happened afterwards was the most terrifying thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life.
In the dream, I was on the simple field. Sun was setting down and was painting the grass and hay with different shades of yellow and orange. I was focusing with all my might to summon her. I thought about brown bear, centaur, black scarf, blue suit, astronaut helmet... Just all the things that reminded me of her.
Suddenly, she was there. As serious as always.
"What do you know that I don't know?" I know, stupid first question to ask, but how else I should have worded myself. She first just snorted at me irreverently and grossed her arms.
"Don't you dare look at me like that. It was your own fault you didn't listen to me."
"But tell me why. Why do I get stuck on sleep paralysis every time I lucid dream? There must be reason for it, right?"
I straight away broke the fourth wall of the dream world. Actually now when thinking about it, I don't know why I asked things that way. I was supposed to ask her what kind of meaning she meant inside my head, but something told me on that moment that that wouldn't give me answers either. That this was more right way to ask things.
Her look stayed serious but at least the irreverent look on her faded off.
"There is some things you mortals shouldn't know about yet. You're all too curious, and sooner or later it will bring you to your doom."
Yeah, I know you might be wondering same things now. Now she talked in the way like she was alien or ghost or something. All of this made me...stand on my edge and cautious. It made me nervous and I ended up yelling even I knew I shouldn't have.
"Stop talking cryptic bullshit! Just tell me why they keep happening!"
Suddenly, new emotion added up to her all so serious look. It was... sadness. And I could tell it was not because I yelled at her, but because... She seemed like she felt sorry for me, or something similar. As she spoke her speech started to slow down and world around us started to fade to black and white and enviroment melt to darkness.
"They are punishment for your curiosity. Just... don't come back anymore. I told you too much already..."
God... my hands are shaking while writing this. I keep this now short simply 'cause I don't want to think about it. But I did wake up.
Sleep paralysis. This time usual whispers were now... screaming. Yelling and screaming, like a mass murder was happening right there in my pitch black bedroom. Grinding of bloody rusty metal against metal, metal stabbing and ripping the flesh, screaming. And I swear I could smell blood, or metal, or both. And I couldn't breath. I couldn't breath because of this...abomination of black mess, white teeth and wide eyes sitting on my chest and staring down at me, pressing its sharp fingers against my throat. It only said one thing to me.
"You still did it, didn't you?"
That's it. I can still taste fucking puke in my mouth. I need an break. I'm done.
Entry #22
Dang, how come summoning one dream character can be so hard? Three nights of lucid dreams and sleep paralysis. Whenever I try to summon her, I get all kinds of bears, but not her. I'll keep trying but this is getting really tiring.
Entry #21
Okay, first of all: I'm an idiot. I realized that I'm looking answers from wrong place. I didn't do, what all those instructions for lucid dreaming etc. did tell to do in situation like this. At least, not after my first sleep paralysis.
When the bearcentaur appeared second time in my dream, I did ask her who she is, but I never got answer. But that might be the solution here! I should have looked answers for all these over two weeks from inside my head, not from internet and library books.
So my plan for tonight; I will lucid dream, summon her and ask her who is she and what does she mean? Is she causing the odd happenings and if she is, why?
Again, wish me luck.
When the bearcentaur appeared second time in my dream, I did ask her who she is, but I never got answer. But that might be the solution here! I should have looked answers for all these over two weeks from inside my head, not from internet and library books.
So my plan for tonight; I will lucid dream, summon her and ask her who is she and what does she mean? Is she causing the odd happenings and if she is, why?
Again, wish me luck.
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