Drinking alone a lot of shit is never good idea, I should know that already. Why I never learn from my mistakes? Even she knew better what's good for me.
Okay, sorry for typos and rambling, I still suffer of little hangover. So, the meeting with doctor Övergöd...
I came to the cafe almost half hour early when I started to question my decision to meet this stranger that apparently had lost his mind. Of course I felt more safe in the public crowded coffee shop than anywhere else more private. I ordered a drink and waited. I even had my dream diary with me if I needed to recall some of my memories when telling him about my problem. I also had a small doubt if he could help either. Or I could even trust "insane doctor's bullcrap".
But when he finally arrived, honestly, he looked more sane than people on internet made it sound like. He just seemed... tired. Like really tired. Wrinkled dress shirt and necktie, slightly stained classes and messy blond greyish hair and face that made him look like he hadn't got goodnight sleep for ages. Cloudy absence and dark circles under his eyes.
We shook hands and introduced ourselves. He didn't order anything and was ready to hear about my problem. On this point I didn't care anymore wording myself too carefully and told everything, even how I felt of the whole situation I was in and how I started to strongly feel how these happenings are not only something that are going on inside my head.
And those points are actually reasons why my mind got so blown I needed to drink it away last night.
When I had finished my explaining he looked somewhat terrified, like he had bottled some sinister feelings inside for long time and finally someone brought them up again. It was like someone had opened some Pandora's box he wanted to keep closed forever. And that one who opened it happened to be me.
He stayed calm, sighed heavily and started by saying how it was unfortunate that I was one of the rare lucid dream hobbyists who are going through what I was right now. He also stated that even he can't give me all answers, he could at least tell me something about his studies and results of them, or more of a theories.
He told how he had suffered of sleep paralysis since he was child (around age of 7 he got his first lucid dream as well) and therefore he was always interested of mysteries of dreaming and what goes on inside our heads when we sleep and even... further than that.
Also one notable thing; When he asked about the bearcentaur character, I ended up showing him the doodle I made of her. Doctor told that he had also met her. Multiple times. Her name is Wanderer and she was only someone who wanted to help, that she has told him so many forbidden things.
Even he didn't tell too in detail what she has told him, it was clear to me that they were things that have made him "insane" in other people's eyes. Things that made him question how life works, made him lose his desire to sleep and feel afraid, paranoid, scared to fall asleep.
Yeah, this is going exactly to the direction you think it is going. There is many questions we ask everyday and try to proof scientifically and find aswers for. How Earth was created? How we were created? Who or what created us? Is there God? Does ghosts exists? Does aliens exists? Does other dimensions and worlds exist and what's in them? What is the meaning of life?
What happens to us after we die?
Doctor told me the theory he came up with after years of his dream studies, years of sleepless nights. Theory, that made me drink my brains out last night, made me throw my dream diary to the trash, made me question everything about life.
"Lucid dreams are peeks to our own personal afterlife. That's why they're fun, positive and we can do whatever we want in them. Randomized dream characters, people we don't know in real life, are people who have already passed away. She is one of them. And sleep paralysis is punishment for peeking on something we shouldn't know about yet. Punishment for our curiosity."
That's pretty much what he said. I was simply speechless and there was awkward silence. I felt sick. I thanked him for his time and just left before I could puke the icecoffee I just drank to floor.
Afterwards I felt really stubid and sent him text message apologizing my rudeness for leaving so suddenly and asking what should I do to make my sleeping normal again. He only adviced to sleep few nights with alarm on between after every hour and just let dreams happen naturally. To avoid sleeping on back and making reality tests. He said that I still might have chance to sleep normally, unlike him.
"Just don't question anything and act like you don't know more than you should. Stay safe." Those were the message's last words.
It's 1 am right now and as I've been writing this I've been... overthinking everything. This post is already becoming long, so I'll write more tomorrow. I'm so exhausted, both physically and mentally.