Drinking alone a lot of shit is never good idea, I should know that already. Why I never learn from my mistakes? Even she knew better what's good for me.
Okay, sorry for typos and rambling, I still suffer of little hangover. So, the meeting with doctor Övergöd...
I came to the cafe almost half hour early when I started to question my decision to meet this stranger that apparently had lost his mind. Of course I felt more safe in the public crowded coffee shop than anywhere else more private. I ordered a drink and waited. I even had my dream diary with me if I needed to recall some of my memories when telling him about my problem. I also had a small doubt if he could help either. Or I could even trust "insane doctor's bullcrap".
But when he finally arrived, honestly, he looked more sane than people on internet made it sound like. He just seemed... tired. Like really tired. Wrinkled dress shirt and necktie, slightly stained classes and messy blond greyish hair and face that made him look like he hadn't got goodnight sleep for ages. Cloudy absence and dark circles under his eyes.
We shook hands and introduced ourselves. He didn't order anything and was ready to hear about my problem. On this point I didn't care anymore wording myself too carefully and told everything, even how I felt of the whole situation I was in and how I started to strongly feel how these happenings are not only something that are going on inside my head.
And those points are actually reasons why my mind got so blown I needed to drink it away last night.
When I had finished my explaining he looked somewhat terrified, like he had bottled some sinister feelings inside for long time and finally someone brought them up again. It was like someone had opened some Pandora's box he wanted to keep closed forever. And that one who opened it happened to be me.
He stayed calm, sighed heavily and started by saying how it was unfortunate that I was one of the rare lucid dream hobbyists who are going through what I was right now. He also stated that even he can't give me all answers, he could at least tell me something about his studies and results of them, or more of a theories.
He told how he had suffered of sleep paralysis since he was child (around age of 7 he got his first lucid dream as well) and therefore he was always interested of mysteries of dreaming and what goes on inside our heads when we sleep and even... further than that.
Also one notable thing; When he asked about the bearcentaur character, I ended up showing him the doodle I made of her. Doctor told that he had also met her. Multiple times. Her name is Wanderer and she was only someone who wanted to help, that she has told him so many forbidden things.
Even he didn't tell too in detail what she has told him, it was clear to me that they were things that have made him "insane" in other people's eyes. Things that made him question how life works, made him lose his desire to sleep and feel afraid, paranoid, scared to fall asleep.
Yeah, this is going exactly to the direction you think it is going. There is many questions we ask everyday and try to proof scientifically and find aswers for. How Earth was created? How we were created? Who or what created us? Is there God? Does ghosts exists? Does aliens exists? Does other dimensions and worlds exist and what's in them? What is the meaning of life?
What happens to us after we die?
Doctor told me the theory he came up with after years of his dream studies, years of sleepless nights. Theory, that made me drink my brains out last night, made me throw my dream diary to the trash, made me question everything about life.
"Lucid dreams are peeks to our own personal afterlife. That's why they're fun, positive and we can do whatever we want in them. Randomized dream characters, people we don't know in real life, are people who have already passed away. She is one of them. And sleep paralysis is punishment for peeking on something we shouldn't know about yet. Punishment for our curiosity."
That's pretty much what he said. I was simply speechless and there was awkward silence. I felt sick. I thanked him for his time and just left before I could puke the icecoffee I just drank to floor.
Afterwards I felt really stubid and sent him text message apologizing my rudeness for leaving so suddenly and asking what should I do to make my sleeping normal again. He only adviced to sleep few nights with alarm on between after every hour and just let dreams happen naturally. To avoid sleeping on back and making reality tests. He said that I still might have chance to sleep normally, unlike him.
"Just don't question anything and act like you don't know more than you should. Stay safe." Those were the message's last words.
It's 1 am right now and as I've been writing this I've been... overthinking everything. This post is already becoming long, so I'll write more tomorrow. I'm so exhausted, both physically and mentally.
Showing posts with label lucid dream. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lucid dream. Show all posts
Entry #23
I'm done.
For now I'm so done. When I started this whole dream hobby, this is not what I signed up for. So yes, I finally was able to summon her, but what happened afterwards was the most terrifying thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life.
In the dream, I was on the simple field. Sun was setting down and was painting the grass and hay with different shades of yellow and orange. I was focusing with all my might to summon her. I thought about brown bear, centaur, black scarf, blue suit, astronaut helmet... Just all the things that reminded me of her.
Suddenly, she was there. As serious as always.
"What do you know that I don't know?" I know, stupid first question to ask, but how else I should have worded myself. She first just snorted at me irreverently and grossed her arms.
"Don't you dare look at me like that. It was your own fault you didn't listen to me."
"But tell me why. Why do I get stuck on sleep paralysis every time I lucid dream? There must be reason for it, right?"
I straight away broke the fourth wall of the dream world. Actually now when thinking about it, I don't know why I asked things that way. I was supposed to ask her what kind of meaning she meant inside my head, but something told me on that moment that that wouldn't give me answers either. That this was more right way to ask things.
Her look stayed serious but at least the irreverent look on her faded off.
"There is some things you mortals shouldn't know about yet. You're all too curious, and sooner or later it will bring you to your doom."
Yeah, I know you might be wondering same things now. Now she talked in the way like she was alien or ghost or something. All of this made me...stand on my edge and cautious. It made me nervous and I ended up yelling even I knew I shouldn't have.
"Stop talking cryptic bullshit! Just tell me why they keep happening!"
Suddenly, new emotion added up to her all so serious look. It was... sadness. And I could tell it was not because I yelled at her, but because... She seemed like she felt sorry for me, or something similar. As she spoke her speech started to slow down and world around us started to fade to black and white and enviroment melt to darkness.
"They are punishment for your curiosity. Just... don't come back anymore. I told you too much already..."
God... my hands are shaking while writing this. I keep this now short simply 'cause I don't want to think about it. But I did wake up.
Sleep paralysis. This time usual whispers were now... screaming. Yelling and screaming, like a mass murder was happening right there in my pitch black bedroom. Grinding of bloody rusty metal against metal, metal stabbing and ripping the flesh, screaming. And I swear I could smell blood, or metal, or both. And I couldn't breath. I couldn't breath because of this...abomination of black mess, white teeth and wide eyes sitting on my chest and staring down at me, pressing its sharp fingers against my throat. It only said one thing to me.
"You still did it, didn't you?"
That's it. I can still taste fucking puke in my mouth. I need an break. I'm done.
For now I'm so done. When I started this whole dream hobby, this is not what I signed up for. So yes, I finally was able to summon her, but what happened afterwards was the most terrifying thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life.
In the dream, I was on the simple field. Sun was setting down and was painting the grass and hay with different shades of yellow and orange. I was focusing with all my might to summon her. I thought about brown bear, centaur, black scarf, blue suit, astronaut helmet... Just all the things that reminded me of her.
Suddenly, she was there. As serious as always.
"What do you know that I don't know?" I know, stupid first question to ask, but how else I should have worded myself. She first just snorted at me irreverently and grossed her arms.
"Don't you dare look at me like that. It was your own fault you didn't listen to me."
"But tell me why. Why do I get stuck on sleep paralysis every time I lucid dream? There must be reason for it, right?"
I straight away broke the fourth wall of the dream world. Actually now when thinking about it, I don't know why I asked things that way. I was supposed to ask her what kind of meaning she meant inside my head, but something told me on that moment that that wouldn't give me answers either. That this was more right way to ask things.
Her look stayed serious but at least the irreverent look on her faded off.
"There is some things you mortals shouldn't know about yet. You're all too curious, and sooner or later it will bring you to your doom."
Yeah, I know you might be wondering same things now. Now she talked in the way like she was alien or ghost or something. All of this made me...stand on my edge and cautious. It made me nervous and I ended up yelling even I knew I shouldn't have.
"Stop talking cryptic bullshit! Just tell me why they keep happening!"
Suddenly, new emotion added up to her all so serious look. It was... sadness. And I could tell it was not because I yelled at her, but because... She seemed like she felt sorry for me, or something similar. As she spoke her speech started to slow down and world around us started to fade to black and white and enviroment melt to darkness.
"They are punishment for your curiosity. Just... don't come back anymore. I told you too much already..."
God... my hands are shaking while writing this. I keep this now short simply 'cause I don't want to think about it. But I did wake up.
Sleep paralysis. This time usual whispers were now... screaming. Yelling and screaming, like a mass murder was happening right there in my pitch black bedroom. Grinding of bloody rusty metal against metal, metal stabbing and ripping the flesh, screaming. And I swear I could smell blood, or metal, or both. And I couldn't breath. I couldn't breath because of this...abomination of black mess, white teeth and wide eyes sitting on my chest and staring down at me, pressing its sharp fingers against my throat. It only said one thing to me.
"You still did it, didn't you?"
That's it. I can still taste fucking puke in my mouth. I need an break. I'm done.
Entry #14
Okay, after a day out and getting my mind off the subject for a while, I have made some research. It's 10 pm. and I'm getting tired so I'll keep this short.
So apparently, what I experienced in the morning is dream phenomenon called sleep paralysis. Sleep paralysis happens when part of our brains lock our body so we wouldn't move while sleeping and therefore hurt ourselves, but our mind is mostly awake. In this state only thing we can do is move our eyes and control the breathing (some people can control their tongues as well).
What is not or can't be explained is the hallucinations. Apparently some people see and hear even more messed up stuff than what I did.
Because, well... I do remember now what those whispers kept repeating at the end of my sleep paralysis.
"You shouldn't have done that."
Yeah, I don't know either what's that supposed to mean. I have to do more research when I have more time and energy.
So apparently, what I experienced in the morning is dream phenomenon called sleep paralysis. Sleep paralysis happens when part of our brains lock our body so we wouldn't move while sleeping and therefore hurt ourselves, but our mind is mostly awake. In this state only thing we can do is move our eyes and control the breathing (some people can control their tongues as well).
What is not or can't be explained is the hallucinations. Apparently some people see and hear even more messed up stuff than what I did.
Because, well... I do remember now what those whispers kept repeating at the end of my sleep paralysis.
"You shouldn't have done that."
Yeah, I don't know either what's that supposed to mean. I have to do more research when I have more time and energy.
Entry #13
This is not gonna be normal dreampost this time. Something really messed up happened to me after last night's lucid dream and it's still kinda freaking me out, so I wanted to update quickly here before I have to leave for a meeting. Just have to get this off my mind for now.
Dream #5
So I basically saw a dream where I had setted Alice in Wonderland-kind of enviroment with colorful nonsensical backgrounds and crazy tea party that involved some of my old college friends, childhood friends and even some random dream characters. Basically everyone was messing around and having fun, like everyone was drunk or high.
Everything was fun and all until I realized familiar character from my first short lucid dream. Yeah, the bearcentaur creature with astronaut helmet. She was holding broken teacup and looked at me again with that judgmental and serious look on her face.
Time started to slow down and colors to fade around us when I payed all my attention on her.
"Who are you?" I asked her, like some lucid dream websites have advised to do when some character or element bothers you in the dream. And knowing what happened in my first dream, I wanted to know what kind of meaning she held and why she was here again. She still stared at me when she said:
"You really didn't listen to me first time? You should not be here."
Then... the worst part happened. I was suddenly in my bed and my bedroom was dark. I right away expected that I had just woken up, so I was going to get up and do reality test. But I couldn't move. Like at all. Not even turn my head or move my hands. It was like I was paralyzed or I had forgotten how to move. I wasen't sure anymore was I awake or dreaming, even all of it felt so real. Too real.
Then I started to hear noises. Like some whispers. They kept getting louder and louder. I started to feel really anxious, scared and unsafe. It felt like going on for minutes after minutes, until I finally
snapped out of it, closed my eyes and... woke up?
I was still in my bed, but now room was not dark since it was already 8 am. and dawn was bringing some light to my bedroom.
Okay, I simply don't have time to write more and even thinking about what I had experienced makes me feel anxious again. Not sure was writing this now good idea. I also have this nagging feeling that those whispers kept repeating some specific phrase but I can't remember it right now.
I'll update today later when I come back. Sorry for messy entry, I'll try to make sense of what I had just experienced.
Dream #5
So I basically saw a dream where I had setted Alice in Wonderland-kind of enviroment with colorful nonsensical backgrounds and crazy tea party that involved some of my old college friends, childhood friends and even some random dream characters. Basically everyone was messing around and having fun, like everyone was drunk or high.
Everything was fun and all until I realized familiar character from my first short lucid dream. Yeah, the bearcentaur creature with astronaut helmet. She was holding broken teacup and looked at me again with that judgmental and serious look on her face.
Time started to slow down and colors to fade around us when I payed all my attention on her.
"Who are you?" I asked her, like some lucid dream websites have advised to do when some character or element bothers you in the dream. And knowing what happened in my first dream, I wanted to know what kind of meaning she held and why she was here again. She still stared at me when she said:
"You really didn't listen to me first time? You should not be here."
Then... the worst part happened. I was suddenly in my bed and my bedroom was dark. I right away expected that I had just woken up, so I was going to get up and do reality test. But I couldn't move. Like at all. Not even turn my head or move my hands. It was like I was paralyzed or I had forgotten how to move. I wasen't sure anymore was I awake or dreaming, even all of it felt so real. Too real.
Then I started to hear noises. Like some whispers. They kept getting louder and louder. I started to feel really anxious, scared and unsafe. It felt like going on for minutes after minutes, until I finally
snapped out of it, closed my eyes and... woke up?
I was still in my bed, but now room was not dark since it was already 8 am. and dawn was bringing some light to my bedroom.
Okay, I simply don't have time to write more and even thinking about what I had experienced makes me feel anxious again. Not sure was writing this now good idea. I also have this nagging feeling that those whispers kept repeating some specific phrase but I can't remember it right now.
I'll update today later when I come back. Sorry for messy entry, I'll try to make sense of what I had just experienced.
Entry #12
Dream #4
I was sitting on my balcony, drinking lavender tea (I remember it from the smell). Oddly, everything was in color, so I guess I kinda knew already that I'm dreaming. I just wanted to have little silent moment before I would do my next move. Then I saw pair of jeans running across the yard of the aparment house. This didn't even surprise me anymore, but it made me to decide to stand up on my chair and drop the tea I had left from my mug. While its fall before touching the ground it turned into purple butterflies.
I closed my eyes, dropped the mug and decided to get myself into the forest. Tall pine trees reached the skies while rays of sunshine shined through the tree pranches and most of the forest was covered in different shades of green moss, small adorable mushrooms and colorful pinwheels that sticked out from the moss. The mossy grounds moved like they were waves of the ocean.
So I gave myself a ship and pirate captain's clothes, that were mostly green and hat had fussy moss as a decoration. I was guiding the boat on the moss sea and even not much happened anymore before I woke up, I still enjoyd this one too. It was more calming dream.
I was sitting on my balcony, drinking lavender tea (I remember it from the smell). Oddly, everything was in color, so I guess I kinda knew already that I'm dreaming. I just wanted to have little silent moment before I would do my next move. Then I saw pair of jeans running across the yard of the aparment house. This didn't even surprise me anymore, but it made me to decide to stand up on my chair and drop the tea I had left from my mug. While its fall before touching the ground it turned into purple butterflies.
I closed my eyes, dropped the mug and decided to get myself into the forest. Tall pine trees reached the skies while rays of sunshine shined through the tree pranches and most of the forest was covered in different shades of green moss, small adorable mushrooms and colorful pinwheels that sticked out from the moss. The mossy grounds moved like they were waves of the ocean.
So I gave myself a ship and pirate captain's clothes, that were mostly green and hat had fussy moss as a decoration. I was guiding the boat on the moss sea and even not much happened anymore before I woke up, I still enjoyd this one too. It was more calming dream.
Entry #11
Dream #3
I was outside already, in the busy city street and it was raining. When I opened my umbrella it made a duck sound. So I made reality test and realized I was dreaming. I looked up and made whales swim in the sky. They swam through the rain clouds, dodging now the blasting thunder strikes while the sky turned more clear. I looked at them for long time before I grew bored and wanted to change the whole sequence.
Suddenly there was white sand everywhere. It was soft under my feet (I just decided to be naked by now for the heck of it) and was just the right temperature, until I noticed that the sun wasn’t even shining. Instead, the sky was filled with colorful galaxies and/or nebulas. It was breath taking scene.
Behind the sand dunes, elegant and gentle canine looking creatures ran to me and I recognized them as Egyptian gods. So while I took them on the leashes, I saw pyramids rise from the sand, trying to reach the sky and I decided to wear clothes of Pharaoh.
While me and the dogs were reaching the pyramids I started to spot the flower pots with small light green baby plants, half buried in the sand. Then I noticed the bright giant yellow moon that had risen on to the sky on over the nebulas. An stubid idea came to my mind and I reached my hand to the moon and managed to rip chunk of it off and I ate it without hesitation. First it tasted odd, but then it tasted like mashmallow dipped on melted warm milk chocolate. Just when I thought to get another piece, I woke up.
This was the first time I had ever tasted something in my dream. Again, completely new and refreshing experience.
I was outside already, in the busy city street and it was raining. When I opened my umbrella it made a duck sound. So I made reality test and realized I was dreaming. I looked up and made whales swim in the sky. They swam through the rain clouds, dodging now the blasting thunder strikes while the sky turned more clear. I looked at them for long time before I grew bored and wanted to change the whole sequence.
Suddenly there was white sand everywhere. It was soft under my feet (I just decided to be naked by now for the heck of it) and was just the right temperature, until I noticed that the sun wasn’t even shining. Instead, the sky was filled with colorful galaxies and/or nebulas. It was breath taking scene.
Behind the sand dunes, elegant and gentle canine looking creatures ran to me and I recognized them as Egyptian gods. So while I took them on the leashes, I saw pyramids rise from the sand, trying to reach the sky and I decided to wear clothes of Pharaoh.
While me and the dogs were reaching the pyramids I started to spot the flower pots with small light green baby plants, half buried in the sand. Then I noticed the bright giant yellow moon that had risen on to the sky on over the nebulas. An stubid idea came to my mind and I reached my hand to the moon and managed to rip chunk of it off and I ate it without hesitation. First it tasted odd, but then it tasted like mashmallow dipped on melted warm milk chocolate. Just when I thought to get another piece, I woke up.
This was the first time I had ever tasted something in my dream. Again, completely new and refreshing experience.
Entry #10
Finally my second ever and fully successful lucid dream occured! I'll now tell you about that and now on update whenever I see new one.
Dream #2
I was in my apartment, everything was pretty normal until I touched the wall for the reality test and my hand and whole arm went through the wall. The realization came to me right away. This time I kept myself cool and calm so I wouldn't ruin the dream and wake up too early.
So I made an horse appear in my living room. It was white and had mint and lime green tail and hair. I jumped on its back and lead it to the balcony, where it jumped over the balcony's railing and started to run on the air. Everything was in color and I even saw these thin as paper and colorful birds fly past us. The horse kept running until I felt weightless, almost floating.
I was suddenly in the sea that was floating on the sky. When I looked down I could still see the ground and the buildings. I was capable to breath under water and I made all the corals and fishes appear and changed my steed to the seahorse (I kept the colors 'cause they looked nice). The amount of colors amazed me and I could swear, even the seawater was shining in colors of rainbow in the rays of sun that shone through it.
The seahorse was swimming so fast it felt like being in the amusement park ride (didn't realize until now how much I have missed those) that went up. Until we splashed out of the water and we're on top of the clouds. The night sky looked so pretty with the huge pastel blue moon. Suddenly I had skis on my feet and I stood on the clouds, like they were soft snow. Seahorse had changed in to huge silver furred wolf with yellow eyes.
The wolf had bridle on its mouth while I held the leash. I didn't even need to command the wolf when it went on gallop. We rode on the clouds while the warm serene wind met my body. I felt really relaxed even the ride was still pretty fast.
Somewhere in there the dream ended. And I was extremely pleased. It was great experience and I can't wait to have an other one next night.
Dream #2
I was in my apartment, everything was pretty normal until I touched the wall for the reality test and my hand and whole arm went through the wall. The realization came to me right away. This time I kept myself cool and calm so I wouldn't ruin the dream and wake up too early.
So I made an horse appear in my living room. It was white and had mint and lime green tail and hair. I jumped on its back and lead it to the balcony, where it jumped over the balcony's railing and started to run on the air. Everything was in color and I even saw these thin as paper and colorful birds fly past us. The horse kept running until I felt weightless, almost floating.
I was suddenly in the sea that was floating on the sky. When I looked down I could still see the ground and the buildings. I was capable to breath under water and I made all the corals and fishes appear and changed my steed to the seahorse (I kept the colors 'cause they looked nice). The amount of colors amazed me and I could swear, even the seawater was shining in colors of rainbow in the rays of sun that shone through it.
The seahorse was swimming so fast it felt like being in the amusement park ride (didn't realize until now how much I have missed those) that went up. Until we splashed out of the water and we're on top of the clouds. The night sky looked so pretty with the huge pastel blue moon. Suddenly I had skis on my feet and I stood on the clouds, like they were soft snow. Seahorse had changed in to huge silver furred wolf with yellow eyes.
The wolf had bridle on its mouth while I held the leash. I didn't even need to command the wolf when it went on gallop. We rode on the clouds while the warm serene wind met my body. I felt really relaxed even the ride was still pretty fast.
Somewhere in there the dream ended. And I was extremely pleased. It was great experience and I can't wait to have an other one next night.
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