don't follow the path to misery |

Last entry


I know I haven't updated for weeks, but there is multiple reasons for it. And like said, this will be the last entry.

I kept following doctor Övergöd's instructions and thanks to him (and her) I have been able to sleep normally again. When I do see dreams, they are black and white, eventless, boring dreams I can't control. I also got job, after getting my sleeping pattern normal and continuing job search.

Remember how in Entry #35 I said how I would start looking at life in general from different angle, to make mine, how long it's gonna last anyway, as good as possible for myself?

Now looking back at the few successful lucid dreams I had, I realized how much I could just appreciate the small things in this world to make my living more interesting. I could have walks in forests, glimp mountains, visit aquariums, beaches and amusement parks. Swim in the ocean, blow bubbles out of soapwater, pick some flowers and...

I have this wishful thought that I could find who she was before she passed away and bring some flowers on her grave. One can always hope, right?

So I guess this is it. Not sure how to end this, but if there is someone here online who takes my writings seriously and becomes curious; please, stay safe.

Thank you for reading. Goodbye.
Thank you. I'm sorry.

Entry #37

Hey. I'm alive.

It's 6 am. Tears are blurring the view.

But now I can say for real that it's over. For good. Even when...

Sacrifice had to be made.

I was in dark area with odd lightning. Only thing I could hear was this eerie ambience. I didn't make the place to be that way. It was just like that. I knew I was dreaming, but I couldn't control anything. Was I in hold? Out of control of my own lucid dream? It actually felt like being in front of the court, ready to get the final judgment.

Suddenly she was there again, out of nowhere. Even the seriousness was still visible on her, she looked more worried and cautious.

"Why you keep coming back?"

Sadness, helplesness, bitterness in her voice. Like kind of anxiety when you know you failed to protect someone. I felt guilty and horrible. I was putting both of us in danger. But I needed to know. And she knew that.

"I promise this will be my last time. I just... wanted to say I'm sorry."

I saw bitterness on her again when she looked away from me.

"Can I also ask something, please?"

She looked back at me, sighted and tried to hide whatever feeling was taking over her.

"...Okay. What is it?"

"What happened to you? Did you break the rules too much?"

Sorrow was now even more stronger on her. Her eyes gleamed. Again I was the one who opened the Pandora's box. This time it was more personal.

"I was punished. I went too deep. And now, the only thing I want is to keep other mortals, visitors, safe so no one has to suffer the same fate I did."

Now it was time I wanted to ask the question that nagged me.

"I'm sorry to hear that. But who punished you?"

On that same moment, the ambience turned into the screetching and grinding of whatever was holding dreams together. I could already smell rust. Someone was listening to us. And they didn't like the fact that I knew again more than I should.

She stepped closer, fists white, distress in her voice.

"You have to leave, now!"

Noises grew louder, I started to feel pain on my chest, it started to get harder to breath. Then it hit me. They, or someone was ready to give me my ultimate, final punishment.

I was barely able to speak to her anymore, we both knew that time was running out.

"Will my punishment be fatal this time? Am I gonna... die...?"

"I can still save you."

What happened next I was not expecting and I still can't believe she did it for me. She grabbed the sides of her helmet and took it off.

When she did that... she was a mess. Her head was unrecognizable as bear's head anymore. It was just mess of darkness and black, the material that sleep paralysis is made of, as a mark of her eternal punishment. Her eyes were still there and even they were wide, empty but same time full of tears that now dripped like a stars against the blackness.

Time slowed down. For the last time in my dreams, I saw colors. The noises went almost completely quiet, I was able to breath again.

She still cried as she said her last words.

"Please...forget about me and don't make same mistakes I did."

I'm awake. I'm alive. All thanks to her.

Entry #36

I have made decision. And it goes like this;

I will end my dream hobby and this whole research and investigation soon. I'm not the one to solve this lucid dream-sleep paralysis connection and to find the possible answer for the theory, neither is doctor Övergöd, Wanderer or anyone else. Nobody deserves the pain this mystery can and has caused.

Although I will not terminate this blog, but neither will I leave any kind of contact info on here after I have made my last post/s. I want to leave this all behind for good.

But also, possibly tonight, I will lucid dream for the last time.

Why, you might ask. I need peace with myself. And part of it is to possibly get answer to one question and confirmation to another that keeps nagging me. But to get those answers I need to meet her. Also, I just want to apologize because all the trouble I caused.

I'm not afraid of punishment anymore.

If I don't update after this, you know where I am and what happened to me. Thanks and wish me luck.

Entry #35

I know, this is getting out of hand. But what else I can do without being accused of being lunatic?

But... They always say that if there is problem with anything, try to look at it from the other point of view, from other angle to come up with possible solution. So I have tried other way of thinking. Like I said in one of the latest entries there is a lot of questions we try to proof scientifically or even find answers for. But what if, just especially in my case (everyone else can keep digging all they want with their own risk, I wouldn't give two shits anymore), there wasen't answer to the question "what happens after we die".

Yeah I know, sounds really anticlimatic and easy way out of this, but really. There is saying:
"For with much wisdom comes much sorrow".

I would actually like the idea of being just unaware of surrounding world and all these questions and just live the life on its fullest and as happy as possible. We possibly live only once anyway. Note; possibly. And Earth is already a pretty crappy place, so why to make you yourself miserable when with little you could make yourself much happier.

Even after doctor's tips I've been too scared to sleep long periods every night. But I'll keep trying to get my normal sleeping pattern back. Because I still want my old life back, no matter how boring it was.

Entry #34

I started to search for people who have died in their sleep in the hope of finding someone matching Wanderer. Am I an idiot or something?! So many people have died in their sleep for various of reasons, what did you expect, you fucking idiot!

Friends are starting to get concerned of my wellbeing after I have denied meetings for over two weeks. I just tell them that I'm busy programming something. Yeah right...

Entry #33

If there is something out there that is worse than living like this or even getting punished for lucid dreaming, then I don't want to know what it is.

This is hell.

Entry #32

I'm so tired.

Entry #31

Why we must sleep to function like normal fucking living beings? If we didn't need to sleep, all of this could be much easier.